Thursday, March 18, 2021

It's not just hoops, it is History! (Volume 2)

Greetings and welcome back to another edition of ...
about the 2021 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

In our previous issue you were presented with numerous statistics, facts (I use that term very loosely), historical tidbits and a potpourri of delightful information about the NCAA teams competing in the "First Four" and those from the "West Region." Today we lean in to further compelling information about the competitors in the East Region.

The East Region

(1 Seed) Michigan

  • The University of Michigan was established in 1817 even before there was a state of Michigan. Not sure how that works. I guess if you always wondered: "What came first, the university or the egg?" you are clearly a disturbed individual who has hit the NyQuil a wee bit early.
  • UM's motto is "Arts, Knowledge, Truth." As well as being an inspiring refrain, it serves to remind others - who might attempt to engage in conversation with a Michigan student or alumnus - that they are only capable of speaking in short phrases composed entirely of nouns, as demonstrated by the extremely popular chant heard at all Michigan sporting events: "Sports, Points, Today!"
    • Catchy I know. Listen for it as you watch the team play.
  • Michigan is coached by Juwan Howard, a former Michigan basketball player and part of the famous "Fab Five" that introduced the basketball world to oversized athletic shorts and the inability to count to 3. 
    • Oh...and cheating. No, not using adjectives or verbs, but less dramatic crimes like illegal gambling and embezzling. No biggie. 
    • These days three of the "Fab Five" are doing quite well, Juwan Howard, coaching his Alma Mater, Chris Webber and Jalen Rose, highly paid sports broadcasters. And Ricky and the other guy are doing ... things.
  • One last note: In 2014, the University of Michigan was investigated by the Federal Office of Civil Rights "for possible violations of federal law over the handling of sexual violence and harassment complaints." The only information the University issued as a result of this investigation was, and I quote, "Dishwasher, Galoshes, Lemon."
    • That inspiring phrase may already be copyrighted, but I would recommend that any college seeking a catchy motto look in to paying the copyright fees. It'd totally be worth it.
  • Go Big Blue! (Ah crap there's not one noun in there! My bad.)

(8 Seed) Louisiana State University

  • First, and most importantly, LSU is the alma mater of my good friend and long time HOTP (previously knows as the OTP) participant Jefferson Beauregard William Sonoma Doherty.
    • Quick story about my friend Jeff: as a young man he resigned himself to study at LSU until Sam's Town Hotel and Gambling Hall in Shreveport, offered him a position at the coat check room. The rest, as they say is history, as he and his family currently reside somewhere in the Far East taking care of the outer garments of wealthy South Korean businessmen. Jeff, delivered the commencement address at Sam's Town Hotel back in 2018. Well, actually it was more like a conversation with Stephano, a guy from whom Jeff used to score crack back in the day.
    • Actually I am not even sure Jeff went to LSU, I only met him at Wake Forest. His name might not even be Jeff. Oh well.
  • One last quick fact about LSU (and not Jeff): Louisiana State University was given federal land grant money to help with its foundation in 1860. A year later the ungrateful m*fers seceded from the Union. GIVE US THE MONEY BACK!! GEAUX FEAUKX YEAURSELF!

(9 Seed) St. Bonaventure University

  • First, and most importantly, SBU is the alma mater of a wonderful friend. Oh and yes, also another guy I know named Chris Geddis.
    • In fact Chris was the Student Basketball Manager for the Bonnies back in his days as a student, sometime during the Roosevelt Administration (Teddy not Franklin).
  • You would think with a popular nickname of "Saint Bone-nah!" SBU would be located somewhere in Massachusetts. Tis not so. Only a select few of the administrators and staff have its location memorized. The majority of the students - fondly referred to as "Bone-nahs!" (perhaps too fondly) (of which there are less than 2,000) are drugged, hooded and then brought to the campus at its secret location.
  • A quick peek at the SBU wikipedia site reveals the nature of this secret cabal of "Franciscans" as they call themselves. The President is just "acting" and the number of administrative staff is - and I am quoting directly - listed at a precise number of "~500".
  • Perhaps one day this shadowy organization will reveal itself and inform us what exactly a "Bona Wolf" is. 

    • You know what, why don't you guys just stay up there in Allegany, NY with your overly-aroused wolves and leave us common folk alone.
      • Sh*t! I just revealed their location. Are the super-horny wolves coming? Wait, that's not the best way to ask that question! Never mind! I'm going up to the attic to sit in the dark and finish the rest of this post. Fortunately, I only have 29 more schools to cover.

(5 Seed) The University of Colorado

  • The University of Colorado or "CU," as its mostly dyslexic students and alumni refer to it, has one of the shortest Wikipedia pages of any school in the nation. Trust me, I've been reading through dozens of them.
  • According to the Wikipedia site, Colorado University (what? would it be that hard to change it to the right order?!) has 5 campuses. The flagship campus, known as CU Boulder, is located in, well, Boulder. 
    • There is also a campus in Denver (CU Denver, naturally) and a new campus in south Denver known as ... you guessed it CU South Denver. It is located in Lone Tree.
    • ***Another quick break here*** You may not appreciate this now, but as you are watching the Tournament games unfold and the announcers mention that Jordan Seresto, CU's backup point guard is from Lone Tree, Colorado, you will be able to proudly announce to your fellow viewers, "Hey, Lone Tree, that's where CU South Denver is located." 
      • I can't forecast that your viewing party will erupt in immediate applause, but let's just say, your reputation will be made. You're welcome.
  • I have a dear friend who attended CU. As you may know their biggest rivals are Colorado State University. My good friend who I'd rather not identify (let's just call him Mobert Ritchell) loved the saying, "You can't spell S-U-C-K-S without C-S-U!" 
    • Ha. True. Plenty of words you can spell with just CU though!

(12 Seed) Georgetown University

  • Georgetown University, founded in 1789, is located in our nation's capital.
  • In 1984, legendary basketball coach John Thompson and a phenomenal center know as Patrick Ewing led this small Jesuit school to its first National Championship:
  • More impressively, the GU co-ed sailing teams holds 13 national championships and 1 world championship.
    • EAT YOUR HEART OUT COLUMBUS, MAGELLAN, AND PATRICK EWING!!
  • Another fun fact about GU is that when they were dealing with financial difficulties in the early 1800s the College organized the sale of 272 slaves to Southern plantation owners to keep the school afloat.
    • Go Hoyas!
  • Hoyas! Oh that is like a cute bulldog right?
    • No. Hoya is derived from the phrase Hoya Saxa which translates to, I sh*t you not, "What Rocks?"
        • The immediate answer to that question is obviously ... Not these guys.
    • Historians have debated the possibility that the phrasing of the question is what has lead to some varied interpretations.
    • For instance: 
      • Question: "What ... rocks?" 
        • Answer: "Yes our nickname should just be 'Rocks'".
    • Another possible scenario:
      • Question: "WHAT rocks?" 
        • Answer: "THERE! THOSE ROCKS!!! The ones you are about to smash our carriage into you idiot!"
    • One other potential situation:
      • Question: "What rocks?"
        • Answer: "Oh, well, I mean Zeppelin, Van Halen, Kings of Leon, the Stones .. and so on. They all rock. But what does this have to do with our choice of school nickname?
    • Ok, one last sequence:
      • Question: "Hoya Saxa?"
      • Answer: "Wait, that's what you want our school nickname to be?"
      • Answer: "I don't know, I thought we could name it after my Mom, you know... Hoya Saxa."
      • Answer: "Your Mom's name is 'Hoya Saxa'!?!"
      • Answer: "Well, that's her stage name at the Ewing Club."
      • Answer: "Fine, let's just go with HOYAS!"
      • Answer: "Awesome. I can't wait to see future 19 year-olds scrawl my Mom's stripper name across their chests!"

(4 Seed) Florida State University

  • FSU was founded in 1851 and, according to Wikipedia, it is located in the oldest continuous site of higher education in the state of Florida.
    • What the FSU Wikipedia site does not specify is if this continuous education site was one begun by the native peoples of the region or the white settlers who came, killed the indigenous folks, and THEN started up some edu-u-ma-cation.
      • Yeah, but let us not allow some genocide to get in the way of the history of this fine institution.
  • FSU is ranked nationally in NUMEROUS categories. No rankings in the top 10 of any group, but they report every ranking they have received in any potentially rank-able field. 
    • For instance FSU is ranked the 29th top college in the United States by Payscale and CollegeNet's Social Mobility Index college rankings.
      • INCREDIBLE!
  • Famous Alumni: Burt Reynolds, Deion Sanders
  • Most important on-campus organization: The AcaBelles
    • Clear winners of the NCAA's A Capella Championship. 


(13 Seed) UNC-Greensboro

  • This proud University from Northern Cuba has been in existence since 1950. It was originally named after its founder, Cuban Dictator, Fulgencio Batista. 

 


  • The "Fighting Fulgencios" as was their original moniker, accomplished nothing academically, culturally or athletically. However, no University President in World History has ever had more children named after him - except for like Steve. 
  • Only in 1960, after the revolutionary forces lead by Fidel Castro overthrew the Bautista regime, did the institution rename itself to the University of North Carolina-Greensboro.
  • They are still known as the Fighting Fulgencios, although their mascot is sadly this...                 

(6 Seed) Brigham Young University
  • As you all must know, BYU was founded as a university based on the Mormon faith or, as it is properly known, Something About Saints Who Were a Few Days Late.
  • As someone raised Catholic who was also late to church a lot, I have nothing but respect for those who have strong faith and a propensity for lateness. One question: your's is the right God? You are sure? Good luck. 
  • BYU gave the #1 team in the nation (The Zags) a major scare in their respective conference championship last week, but could not pull it off.
  • They still feature former Boilermaker Matt Haarms, a 7'2" blocking machine of a center who decided that having to share time with a 7'4" eventual BIG Freshman of the year, and a 6'11" power forward, 1st-Team Big Ten starter, might be too much, so he left Purdue to head to Mormon country.
  • Big Haarms had a good season and BYU is ready to embarrass Sparty or the Brown Shoes on Saturday.  

     (3 Seed) University of Texas

  • Ahh...Texas. 
  • So initially my intention was to mock the Texas fight song which has recently come under some scrutiny. I listened to the tune itself initially and then made up my own funny, if slightly controversial jingle.
  • Then I actually read the words to the tune and, considering the major issue that many have recently had with the song, is its reflections on Texas' long history of slavery, I think I was a bit nice. Read, listen, and decide. 
  • My lyrics:
  •  The Eyes of Texas
    • Heyyy-Up (translation: sober up people, the football game starts at noon!)
    • Drumroll…
    • (not sung: please wake up drunken Texans, this song will soon begin!)
    • All Sing…
      • “The Eyes of Texas are Upon You,”
      • All, the live long day…”
      • “But if you are not White,
      • then please go away,”
      • “It is not that we are racist,
      • But yeah, actually we are”
      • “We keep threatening to secede,
      • But without Federal dollars we wouldn’t have f*ck all!”
    • All Chant:
    • We Suck!
    • Hook ‘em Horns!

Now the actual tune:

And...
I sh*t you not, the actual lyrics:

The Eyes of Texas are upon you, All the live long day. The Eyes of Texas are upon you You can not get away Do not think you can escape them At night or early in the morn' The Eyes of Texas are upon you 'Till Gabriel blows his horn
  •  "It places the lotion in the basket."

 (14 Seed) Abilene Christian University

  • I, as you, my friends, grow weary of all these damn schools from Texas.
  • So to cut to the chase regarding our folks from ABCU, I offer you this copied and pasted portion of the college web site:
    • Sing Song. Since 1956, this annual competition in mid-February has featured student groups of 30–100 people, singing themed a cappella medleys, usually satirical. Originating as a fundraiser for the school, the modern event has developed into a major show for which each group assembles costumes related to their act's theme, such as Peter Pan, the British Royal Guard, Coca-Cola, Adam and Eve, or forest fires. 
    • FOREST FIRES! They sing songs about FOREST FIRES!!!!
 (7 Seed) University of Connecticut
  • The Huskies are located in Storrs, CT, and have the most NCAA Women's Basketball Championships EVER, which ties them with John Wooden's (Purdue Alum) UCLA program for most title ever!
  • The men's program won a couple too.
  • For a state as large as the nation of Bolivia (not large) UCONN has 6 campuses. (Non Useful.)
  • Academically, UCONN's rankings are impressive, see below:

                    Just as a reminder, #1 is still considered the best ranking. (At least outside of Connecticut.)
  • According to UCONN's wikipedia web site, the College's Fight song: The Husker-Do is one of the most popular fight songs in the country. I made up the name of the fight song, but they made up that sh*t about it's popularity. Never heard it in my life, and I know all the words to "All Hail Southern South Dakota Canine College!"
 (10 Seed) University of Maryland
  • I have to start this commentary with a personal disclaimer that I love UMD-College Park. 
  • I first visited the campus as a High School Junior who had made it (OMG! I know right!?) to the National History Day Finals Competition.  
    For those of you unfamiliar with the NHD it is a history version of Science Fair. For those of you unfamiliar with me I rocked the sh*t of this thing. But in the meantime, loved the campus, loved the 15 minute Metro ride to DC, awesome experience even if I did have to share a dorm room with Steve Weintraught. Lovely dude, personal hygiene, well - if you are reading this Steve, much love and I hope you've been introduced to body-wash.
  • I then revisited the College Park area as a Doctoral Student (stop it, I'm not showing off, just relating my personal biography) when I spent time doing research at the National Archives, located nearby. I did not have to share a room with the aforementioned Mr. Weintraught, but I still in between visits to some local college watering holes in CP, I got to ride into DC and take another look around one of my favorite cities. 
  • Oh, and yeah I petted the god damn copper turtle.
 (2 Seed) University of Alabama
  • I am running out of time and beer, so I will just keep it simple:
    • I have never EVER, been to Alabama, I have no interest in doing so and, before I get into too much trouble with Mrs. Boulton, I'd just like to say - stick to football - March Madness is MINE!!! But Jen married a midwesterner (albeit a Spartan who insists on constantly sharing picture of his toes with us), but all the same I must say, you are a wonderful, graceful person Jen Boulton but: STILL TO HELL WITH ALABAMA! 
      • (Are you joining the pool this year?)
(15 Seed) Iona College
  • Iona College, probably (I will go back and count, I still have 32 schools to document in the next 15 hours) is at least the 434rd Catholic school in the tournament this year.
  • Their motto: "Fight the good fight."
    • Beautiful, simple, and just ... fine.
    • Does it not knock you off your feet? Maybe not. But is is certainly better than stupid stuff like: "Live, die, and be merry." (Indiana University) or, "Tomorrow we crucify our Lord, 3 days later we will pretend he is alive." (Notre Dame).
  • Are you familiar with Don McLean? He's an Iona Alumn. What a great way to end today's edition of EAT SHIY. Have a listen and I will talk to you tomorrow. Don't forget to put in your brackets and get those entries in! (Info here: https://fantasy.espn.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2021/en/group?groupID=3756808)


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