As us March Madness fans eagerly await the start of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, hundreds of sportswriters, pundits, and members of the Trump family are busy offering their predictions and writing up their analyses of how the competition may play out.

As your humble poolmaster, I am undertaking a different task. You will find plenty of info out there about who plays a 1-3-1 zone or which backcourt will offer the biggest challenge to blah-blah-blah.

No! We all know, friends, that the team with the most points will most likely win their first game, and then their second and so on, until one team has scored more points than all of its opponents and will be crowned the champion.

So, I believe you are better served not by me analyzing basketball statistics, but enabling you to learn about each team, each College, and the HISTORY of each institution participating in this year's tournament.

Now, I do not have the time or the beer supply to go through a detailed recounting of the political, social, and athletic past of 72 university, but I DO have the time and, I believe enough beer, to give you some basic historical facts about each school which, will very well enable you to submit the winning entry.

Thusly, I introduce to you the first of a 4 part series, known magnificently as Coach George's

for the 2021 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

Let us begin today, with all the info you need to know about the 8 teams participating in Thursday night's "First Four" and the additional teams competing in the West Region.

The "First Four"

(16 seed) Norfolk State University

College Motto: “We See the Future in You”

(Translation: your tuition dollars will enjoy a happy home in our numerous administrators’ retirement accounts.)

NSU is an Historically Black College located in, you guessed it, Norfolk, Virginia.
It was located on a former golf course that the College purchased for $1 back in the 1950s.
According to Zillow.com, the property of the land has increased dramatically in the last 70 years.
In the 2012 NCAA Tournament NSU, the #15 seed, defeated #2 seeded Missouri, only the second time in Tourney history that a 15 defeated a 2.
Nickname: Steal Toed Sloths

(16 seed) Appalachian State

College motto: “To Be, Rather than to Seem”

Cheap rip off of “I think therefore I am”

Location: Boone, NC
Was named the National Bee Campus USA – 2018
Nickname: Kissing Cousins (or Bees, whichever comes first.)

(11 Seed) Wichita State

Originally founded as the “Young Ladies College”

The university is planning to change the name back to YLC in 2022

Location: Wichita, Kansas
Satellite Campuses

WSU Old Town A
WSU Old Town B
WSU Old Town C

If you ever wondered how may "Old Towns" one town can have, the answer, apparently, is 3.

WSU (or YLC as it will be known again soon) hasn’t won sh*t collegiately besides an impressive 6 bowling championships.
The moniker Shockers is in reference to the concept of “shocking” which was a fun, but obviously dumb, local reference to the harvesting of wheat.

The "Cornhuskers" (later adopted by the University of Nebraska) was considered too risqué.

Clearly the most important graduate of this school is solo steel pannist – Chris Arpad

Here he is playing a lovely cover tune to a packed stadium:
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhzefx

Obviously the new College name next year: The Young Ladies College Pannists.

(11 Seed) Drake

Drake is a private school in Des Moines, Iowa.
The College Motto = “Truth" which is obviously made up.
The College boasts an Administrative staff of 362, and a student population of 3,164.

If you are scoring at home (or by yourself) that equals 1 administrator for every 8.75 students).

Originally Drake U athletes were known as the Ducklings and Ganders.

That is apparently, until Coach John Griffith started to bring his bulldogs to campus.

Current School nickname: Coach’s Dogs are Assholes
Most famous alum: One of the best authors ever – LISTEN TO ME, READ HIS BOOKS!!! … Bill Bryson

(11 Seed) Michigan State

Location: East Lansing, Michigan
School Moto: Spartans Will

That is it. No ellipses. Nothing further. Will what? With whom? With what? When? Where? Be more precise!

According to the MSU Wikipedia page:

U.S. News & World Report ranks its graduate programs the best in the U.S. in elementary teacher's education, secondary teacher's education, industrial and organizational psychology, rehabilitation counseling, African history (tied), supply chain logistics and nuclear physics in 2019. MSU pioneered the studies of packaging, hospitality business, supply chain management, and communication sciences. Michigan State is a member of the Association of American Universities and is classified among "R1: Doctoral Universities – Very high research activity". The university's campus houses the National Superconducting Cyclotron Laboratory, the W. J. Beal Botanical Garden, the Abrams Planetarium, the Wharton Center for Performing Arts, the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum, the Facility for Rare Isotope Beams, and the country's largest residence hall system.

At the moment MSU is in need of a new Wikipedia content editor, specifically one WITHOUT a stick up their ass. Please enquire with->in.

Potential job applicants with knowledge of only COMMON Isotope Beams need not apply.

Nickname: “SPARTY!” Which appears on my FB timeline at least 30 times a year along with a picture of Dan Boulton’s toes and TV, as he’s watching his team lose, yet again. Love ya D!

(11 Seed) UCLA

The University of California Los Angeles is the alma mater to Victor Reklaitis and was graced with the presence of the greatest College Basketball Coach in world history. My kid brother is awesome, but I’m speaking of Coach John Wooden, obvs.
They also hired Steve Alford for a couple years for some reason.
That’s all. Oh, their motto is “Let there be light.”

Los Angeles averages 12 hours of daylight during the year and an 83 degree average year round temperature.
How’d you come up with that clever slogan?!

Go light yourself UCLA.
Nickname: The Brown Shoes

(16 seed) Mount St. Mary’s

Location: Emmitsburg, Maryland
Motto: Spes Nostra (which is Latin for “Special Nostrils”)
MSMU’S most notable contribution to Academia occurred in 2016 when the University’s president declared: "...you think of the students as cuddly bunnies, but you can’t. You just have to drown the bunnies … put a Glock to their heads."
MSMU is a Catholic university and also the home to a national Catholic pilgrimage site.
All MSMU students study in the Catholic intellectual tradition of liberal arts, theology and ethics.
Around 70% of the student body is Catholic.
THE PRESIDENT OF THIS CATHOLIC COLLEGE SUGGESTED THAT SOMEONE SHOULD PUT A GUN TO THE HEADS OF ITS STUDENTS.
Nickname: The Glocks

(16 seed) Texas Southern

Texas Southern University is an HBCU in Houston
College Motto: Excellence in Achievement

(Which they had to settle on when their first choice, “The Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence,” was already taken.

The school was founded when the University of Texas refused to allow an African-American student named Heman Sweatt to attend their law school and thus the state of Texas was forced to establish the Texas State University for Negroes in 1947. Fortunately, this decision once and for all resolved Texas’ long-standing history of racism and segregation.
In 2019, the school completed construction of a 6-story, 137,000 square-foot library costing roughly $43 million dollars! Onward to excellence in achievement indeed! Well done!!!
Nickname: The Really, REALLY, Smart Tigers (This is one of the few times where I am NOT being sarcastic: support your college and local libraries.)

The West Region

(1 Seed) Gonzaga

Gonzaga is a private Catholic school in Spokane, Washington.
The College Motto in Latin:

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam (Sed Deus est vere questus impatiens F’n exspectabat in National risus f*ks propter.)

Translation: “For the Greater Glory of God (But God is getting really f’n impatient waiting on a National Championship for f*ks’ sake!”)

In 2018 a report uncovered the fact that for decades a Jesuit home on Gonzaga’s campus had become a haven and retirement home for Catholic priests with histories of sexual predation and abuse.

Admitting their mistake and taking full responsibility for their actions in covering up this abuse, the home was closed down and the degenerate priests were sent to Mount St. Mary’s. (see above)

According to the US News and World Report, Gonzaga is ranked 79th among America’s universities. (There are 80 universities in America.)
Nickname: Abusive Priests (or more popularly, The Zags).

(8 Seed) Oklahoma

Nothing to do with the University, but the state of Oklahoma is home to one of the best bands in recent history, The Kings of Leon.
Nickname: “Sooners,” because the much sought-after white trash moniker of “Hoosiers” was already taken.
The University was originally founded as a school of orthodontics and podiatry, but, as it soon became apparent that none of the students owned shoes or had teeth, it was soon transformed into the Jesus College of Carpentry. In 2019 it officially changed its name to the University of Oklahoma.
The University of Oklahoma is home to the nation’s largest collection of untied shoelaces.
Ed Harris, a wonderful actor, is an alumnus.

(9 Seed) Missouri

Coached by my college classmate and former Purdue Basketball star, Cuonzo Martin.

We were never actually IN class together, but I did all of his homework, so that counts.

School motto: “Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law.”

(The whole state of Missouri is still working on defining which people, are beneficiaries of the law, or what welfare means, or even what they think “law” is.) But be fair, give them time. Mizzou was only founded in 1839 and are just getting by on a $1.7 billion endowment.

Missouri has accomplished f*ck all athletically except for the amazing Championship run by the Ladies Shooting Team in 1934. (Actual photo from Wikipedia.)

(5 Seed) Creighton

Oh boy, you’ve all read the Greg McDermott news, you know the Creighton Head Basketball Coach and plantations and such…? Yikes.
Creighton is in lovely Omaha, Nebraska.
Their college motto is Universitas Creightoniana.

Linguistic scholars for centuries have been trying to decipher that, but so far the best guess is

“Who Gives a Sh*t?”

According to the CU web site there are 68,470 living alumni around the world.

Just leaving this memorable fact here. If you need further information check out the school motto.

One memorable alum is Jeremy Nordquist.

“Who?” you ask? I refer you to the school motto.

Actually, one seriously notable alum is astronaut Mike Anderson who perished in the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster.

(12 Seed) University of California – Santa Barbara

I have thus far been flippant, disrespectful, and downright abusive about the previous schools.
Let me use UCSB as a pallet cleanser, as it were.
As a practicing academic and someone, who until recently, got the chance to often visit numerous college campuses – I honestly love them all – but THIS IS THE ONE!!
Give me just a second to gush: weather=perfect, campus=beautiful, but not just that – wonderfully laid out; and when you put it all together it just makes everyone…happy! Listen, I’ve attended or taught at schools in the Northeast and the Midwest, and there’s like a four-month period every year (January-April) where you just slog through slightly nice spring-like weather, which are then suddenly followed by horrific arctic periods. I’ve also visited schools in warmer climates, and in spite of all that, I will always give my love to Purdue, Wake and Northeastern …. And I have plenty of other campuses I am fond of. But, Santa Barbara is my nirvana.
And then the nickname…the Gauchos! I don’t even know what that means (my Latin is better than my Spanish) but check out the logo:
That is the coolest, craziest dude in a killer black hat encircled by Worther’s Original Candies that I have ever seen.
Bravo! Wait, no I mean, Viva los vaqueros con caramelos en sus sombreros!!!

(4 Seed) Virginia

My beloved Sister-in-Law went to UVA.
My beloved Boilermakers were deprived of a trip to the Final Four because of UVA.
For their birthdays, a month later, my brother and sister-in-law sent my twins matching UVA National Championship T-shirts.
One year I may get over it. We have yet to reach that year.
Oh and if anyone is looking for a discount on 2019 UVA National Champs T-Shirts lemme know.
I still love you Vic and Christine.

(13 Seed) Ohio

Location … unknown … somewhere near Sumatra
Player to watch: Jason Preston. A cool young kid, with a great afro, who is one of those players who makes basketball fun for all us viewers.
Props to my buddy and fellow March Madness fanatic Paul, who encouraged me to tune in to the MAC tournament.
Sadly my text response to him was: “Will be tuning in to watch your floppy haired favorite this evening.”

OOOF

****BREAK****

I needn’t have shared that poorly worded text with you all, but I thought it an appropriate example of how A) Excited I get for this Tournament and B) That I may (and probably will) struggle to remain in control of my emotions and therefore, my language. Apologies in advance, but this is a PG-13 event. Let’s move on.

(6 Seed) USC

First, notable alumni: OJ Simpson, other killers
Second, notice how I shit on UCLA? Same with USC. Move to Santa Barbara people! Fewer Steve Alfords there.
School Motto: “Let whoever earns the palm bear it.”

No, seriously that is it.
No, I didn’t make that one up.

Yeah, I know I’ve been a little loose with the facts previously, but THAT IS THEIR SCHOOL MOTTO.
Obviously dear reader, if you are still with me, you have questions…

What palm?
How do you earn it?
How does one bear it?
And to whence do they bear this palm?
And who shall witness this magnificent bearing of the palm?
When one bears said palm to the specified destination, what then?

Does one bury the palm near the grave of Hunter S. Thompson?
Does one board a ship to deliver the palm to a special island?
Does one then wrap delicate and delicious meats within the palm and then cook it over an open fire on the beach.

But then….

Which meats or seafoods should be used?
What spices or special oils need be applied?
In what manner or by what specifications should this palm-focused meal be prepared?
Is the meal to be consumed by the palm-bearer or served as an offering to his compatriots?
What beer and/or wine best pairs with this dish?
Are buffalo wings or nachos the best appetizer for this meal?

Anyway, USC, you have created more questions than answers with your moto.
Obviously we all know their mascot: The Palms (or also sometimes “The Palm Wrapped-Dinners)
Also, Will Ferrell is a USC alum and my best friend. You’ve probably seen a lot of his SNL sketches but this bit from the Kennedy Center is the schnitzel. (Not sure I got that last adjective correctly. If only Snoop was around to help me with my spell-check.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2ObE5_fg8k

(3 Seed) Kansas

Quick, name one state worse than Missouri, Nebraska and Oklahoma. You did it!
University motto: “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.”

I cant…
I don’t know what to do with this!?
But DID NOT MOSES talk to the burning bush!!!!!
THAT is your school motto?

Nickname: Burning Bush
Did you know KU has three Noble Prize Winners? (Respect)
Bob Dole, yes that Bob Dole, is an alum:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGvTzIOSFyc

(14 Seed) Eastern Washington

This wonderful school is located in North … South … West … oh yeah Eastern Washington in the lovely campus town of Cheney, named after a former Vice President of the United States that shot a dude in the face.

But it was all fine. No seriously, don’t get upset, just make sure you own millions in Middle Eastern oil companies and are willing to send American troops to fight and die for that, what’s a little blam-blam in the face among friends right?

Sorry, not EWU’s fault necessarily, and the event did not occur in the state of Washington, but I'm guessing the Bush and Cheney folks sent some money.
Nickname: good news, as recently as 1973 EWU changed their mascot from the “Savages” to the “Eagles.” The folks in Cheney made sure to protect the Eagles in their community.

(7 Seed) Oregon

Nike
Animal House
End of story

(10 Seed) VCU

Location: Richmond, VA
Motto: “Make it Real” (I wish I was making that up.)
Academic Staff (per Wikipedia: 3,279)
Administrative Staff (same source: 11,252)
29,000 students

Small point: more people filing paperwork and making sloppy joes are on campus than the folks teaching these students who are each paying, on average, $20k a year at a school that has a $2billion endowment.

VCU has had some rosy Tournament appearances, especially under former Coach Shaka Smart -now in charge of the 3 seeded Texas Longhorns.
One of my favorite all-time SNL performers, Jay Pharoah is also an alum.

(2 Seed) Iowa

Mascot: Herky the Hawk (no I did not make that up.)
Great 1st quarter tradition during home football games where all those in the stadium (away and home fans/players) wave to the children’s’ hospital overlooking the field.
If you don’t know who Luke Garza is by now…oof.
All the same, Iowa will not make it beyond the Sweet 16.

(16 Seed) Grand Canyon

Great place for a family vacation.
Oh right, did you know there is a Grand Canyon (kind of university type place)?
Motto: “Find Your Purpose”

(if not, just give us your money)

Location: Phoenix, AZ
Enrollment: 20k on campus, 70k online
The only “for-profit” program in the tournament.
Do you guys remember Dan Marjele? Sharpshooter for the Phoenix Suns back in the day?

He Coached the team for 7 years and then the school sh*t-canned him without any severance.

ALL RIGHT! More information coming your way tomorrow!

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

It's not just hoops, it is History! (Volume 1)