Thursday, March 18, 2021

It's not just hoops, it is History! (Volume 2)

Greetings and welcome back to another edition of ...

about the 2021 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament

In our previous issue you were presented with numerous statistics, facts (I use that term very loosely), historical tidbits and a potpourri of delightful information about the NCAA teams competing in the "First Four" and those from the "West Region." Today we lean in to further compelling information about the competitors in the East Region.

The East Region

(1 Seed) Michigan

The University of Michigan was established in 1817 even before there was a state of Michigan. Not sure how that works. I guess if you always wondered: "What came first, the university or the egg?" you are clearly a disturbed individual who has hit the NyQuil a wee bit early.
UM's motto is "Arts, Knowledge, Truth." As well as being an inspiring refrain, it serves to remind others - who might attempt to engage in conversation with a Michigan student or alumnus - that they are only capable of speaking in short phrases composed entirely of nouns, as demonstrated by the extremely popular chant heard at all Michigan sporting events: "Sports, Points, Today!"

Catchy I know. Listen for it as you watch the team play.

Michigan is coached by Juwan Howard, a former Michigan basketball player and part of the famous "Fab Five" that introduced the basketball world to oversized athletic shorts and the inability to count to 3.

Oh...and cheating. No, not using adjectives or verbs, but less dramatic crimes like illegal gambling and embezzling. No biggie.
These days three of the "Fab Five" are doing quite well, Juwan Howard, coaching his Alma Mater, Chris Webber and Jalen Rose, highly paid sports broadcasters. And Ricky and the other guy are doing ... things.

One last note: In 2014, the University of Michigan was investigated by the Federal Office of Civil Rights "for possible violations of federal law over the handling of sexual violence and harassment complaints." The only information the University issued as a result of this investigation was, and I quote, "Dishwasher, Galoshes, Lemon."

That inspiring phrase may already be copyrighted, but I would recommend that any college seeking a catchy motto look in to paying the copyright fees. It'd totally be worth it.

Go Big Blue! (Ah crap there's not one noun in there! My bad.)

(8 Seed) Louisiana State University

First, and most importantly, LSU is the alma mater of my good friend and long time HOTP (previously knows as the OTP) participant Jefferson Beauregard William Sonoma Doherty.

Quick story about my friend Jeff: as a young man he resigned himself to study at LSU until Sam's Town Hotel and Gambling Hall in Shreveport, offered him a position at the coat check room. The rest, as they say is history, as he and his family currently reside somewhere in the Far East taking care of the outer garments of wealthy South Korean businessmen. Jeff, delivered the commencement address at Sam's Town Hotel back in 2018. Well, actually it was more like a conversation with Stephano, a guy from whom Jeff used to score crack back in the day.
Actually I am not even sure Jeff went to LSU, I only met him at Wake Forest. His name might not even be Jeff. Oh well.

One last quick fact about LSU (and not Jeff): Louisiana State University was given federal land grant money to help with its foundation in 1860. A year later the ungrateful m*fers seceded from the Union. GIVE US THE MONEY BACK!! GEAUX FEAUKX YEAURSELF!

(9 Seed) St. Bonaventure University

First, and most importantly, SBU is the alma mater of a wonderful friend. Oh and yes, also another guy I know named Chris Geddis.

In fact Chris was the Student Basketball Manager for the Bonnies back in his days as a student, sometime during the Roosevelt Administration (Teddy not Franklin).

You would think with a popular nickname of "Saint Bone-nah!" SBU would be located somewhere in Massachusetts. Tis not so. Only a select few of the administrators and staff have its location memorized. The majority of the students - fondly referred to as "Bone-nahs!" (perhaps too fondly) (of which there are less than 2,000) are drugged, hooded and then brought to the campus at its secret location.
A quick peek at the SBU wikipedia site reveals the nature of this secret cabal of "Franciscans" as they call themselves. The President is just "acting" and the number of administrative staff is - and I am quoting directly - listed at a precise number of "~500".
Perhaps one day this shadowy organization will reveal itself and inform us what exactly a "Bona Wolf" is.

You know what, why don't you guys just stay up there in Allegany, NY with your overly-aroused wolves and leave us common folk alone.

Sh*t! I just revealed their location. Are the super-horny wolves coming? Wait, that's not the best way to ask that question! Never mind! I'm going up to the attic to sit in the dark and finish the rest of this post. Fortunately, I only have 29 more schools to cover.

(5 Seed) The University of Colorado

The University of Colorado or "CU," as its mostly dyslexic students and alumni refer to it, has one of the shortest Wikipedia pages of any school in the nation. Trust me, I've been reading through dozens of them.
According to the Wikipedia site, Colorado University (what? would it be that hard to change it to the right order?!) has 5 campuses. The flagship campus, known as CU Boulder, is located in, well, Boulder.

There is also a campus in Denver (CU Denver, naturally) and a new campus in south Denver known as ... you guessed it CU South Denver. It is located in Lone Tree.
***Another quick break here*** You may not appreciate this now, but as you are watching the Tournament games unfold and the announcers mention that Jordan Seresto, CU's backup point guard is from Lone Tree, Colorado, you will be able to proudly announce to your fellow viewers, "Hey, Lone Tree, that's where CU South Denver is located."

I can't forecast that your viewing party will erupt in immediate applause, but let's just say, your reputation will be made. You're welcome.

I have a dear friend who attended CU. As you may know their biggest rivals are Colorado State University. My good friend who I'd rather not identify (let's just call him Mobert Ritchell) loved the saying, "You can't spell S-U-C-K-S without C-S-U!"

Ha. True. Plenty of words you can spell with just CU though!

(12 Seed) Georgetown University

Georgetown University, founded in 1789, is located in our nation's capital.
In 1984, legendary basketball coach John Thompson and a phenomenal center know as Patrick Ewing led this small Jesuit school to its first National Championship:

Check out a few seconds of highlights after you watch several minutes of advertisements:
https://www.ncaa.com/video/basketball-men/2013-01-11/all-time-teams-1983-84-georgetown

More impressively, the GU co-ed sailing teams holds 13 national championships and 1 world championship.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT COLUMBUS, MAGELLAN, AND PATRICK EWING!!

Another fun fact about GU is that when they were dealing with financial difficulties in the early 1800s the College organized the sale of 272 slaves to Southern plantation owners to keep the school afloat.

Go Hoyas!

Hoyas! Oh that is like a cute bulldog right?

No. Hoya is derived from the phrase Hoya Saxa which translates to, I sh*t you not, "What Rocks?"

The immediate answer to that question is obviously ... Not these guys.

Historians have debated the possibility that the phrasing of the question is what has lead to some varied interpretations.
For instance:

Question: "What ... rocks?"

Answer: "Yes our nickname should just be 'Rocks'".

Another possible scenario:

Question: "WHAT rocks?"

Answer: "THERE! THOSE ROCKS!!! The ones you are about to smash our carriage into you idiot!"

One other potential situation:

Question: "What rocks?"

Answer: "Oh, well, I mean Zeppelin, Van Halen, Kings of Leon, the Stones .. and so on. They all rock. But what does this have to do with our choice of school nickname?

Ok, one last sequence:

Question: "Hoya Saxa?"
Answer: "Wait, that's what you want our school nickname to be?"
Answer: "I don't know, I thought we could name it after my Mom, you know... Hoya Saxa."
Answer: "Your Mom's name is 'Hoya Saxa'!?!"
Answer: "Well, that's her stage name at the Ewing Club."
Answer: "Fine, let's just go with HOYAS!"
Answer: "Awesome. I can't wait to see future 19 year-olds scrawl my Mom's stripper name across their chests!"

(4 Seed) Florida State University

FSU was founded in 1851 and, according to Wikipedia, it is located in the oldest continuous site of higher education in the state of Florida.

What the FSU Wikipedia site does not specify is if this continuous education site was one begun by the native peoples of the region or the white settlers who came, killed the indigenous folks, and THEN started up some edu-u-ma-cation.

Yeah, but let us not allow some genocide to get in the way of the history of this fine institution.

FSU is ranked nationally in NUMEROUS categories. No rankings in the top 10 of any group, but they report every ranking they have received in any potentially rank-able field.

For instance FSU is ranked the 29th top college in the United States by Payscale and CollegeNet's Social Mobility Index college rankings.

INCREDIBLE!

Famous Alumni: Burt Reynolds, Deion Sanders
Most important on-campus organization: The AcaBelles

Clear winners of the NCAA's A Capella Championship.

(13 Seed) UNC-Greensboro

This proud University from Northern Cuba has been in existence since 1950. It was originally named after its founder, Cuban Dictator, Fulgencio Batista.

The "Fighting Fulgencios" as was their original moniker, accomplished nothing academically, culturally or athletically. However, no University President in World History has ever had more children named after him - except for like Steve.
Only in 1960, after the revolutionary forces lead by Fidel Castro overthrew the Bautista regime, did the institution rename itself to the University of North Carolina-Greensboro.
They are still known as the Fighting Fulgencios, although their mascot is sadly this...

(6 Seed) Brigham Young University

As you all must know, BYU was founded as a university based on the Mormon faith or, as it is properly known, Something About Saints Who Were a Few Days Late.
As someone raised Catholic who was also late to church a lot, I have nothing but respect for those who have strong faith and a propensity for lateness. One question: your's is the right God? You are sure? Good luck.
BYU gave the #1 team in the nation (The Zags) a major scare in their respective conference championship last week, but could not pull it off.
They still feature former Boilermaker Matt Haarms, a 7'2" blocking machine of a center who decided that having to share time with a 7'4" eventual BIG Freshman of the year, and a 6'11" power forward, 1st-Team Big Ten starter, might be too much, so he left Purdue to head to Mormon country.
Big Haarms had a good season and BYU is ready to embarrass Sparty or the Brown Shoes on Saturday.

(3 Seed) University of Texas

Ahh...Texas.
So initially my intention was to mock the Texas fight song which has recently come under some scrutiny. I listened to the tune itself initially and then made up my own funny, if slightly controversial jingle.
Then I actually read the words to the tune and, considering the major issue that many have recently had with the song, is its reflections on Texas' long history of slavery, I think I was a bit nice. Read, listen, and decide.
My lyrics:
The Eyes of Texas

Heyyy-Up (translation: sober up people, the football game starts at noon!)
Drumroll…
(not sung: please wake up drunken Texans, this song will soon begin!)
All Sing…

“The Eyes of Texas are Upon You,”
All, the live long day…”
“But if you are not White,
then please go away,”
“It is not that we are racist,
But yeah, actually we are”
“We keep threatening to secede,
But without Federal dollars we wouldn’t have f*ck all!”

All Chant:
We Suck!
Hook ‘em Horns!

Now the actual tune:

And...

I sh*t you not, the actual lyrics:

The Eyes of Texas are upon you, All the live long day. The Eyes of Texas are upon you You can not get away Do not think you can escape them At night or early in the morn' The Eyes of Texas are upon you 'Till Gabriel blows his horn

"It places the lotion in the basket."

(14 Seed) Abilene Christian University

I, as you, my friends, grow weary of all these damn schools from Texas.
So to cut to the chase regarding our folks from ABCU, I offer you this copied and pasted portion of the college web site:

Sing Song. Since 1956, this annual competition in mid-February has featured student groups of 30–100 people, singing themed a cappella medleys, usually satirical. Originating as a fundraiser for the school, the modern event has developed into a major show for which each group assembles costumes related to their act's theme, such as Peter Pan, the British Royal Guard, Coca-Cola, Adam and Eve, or forest fires.
FOREST FIRES! They sing songs about FOREST FIRES!!!!

(7 Seed) University of Connecticut

The Huskies are located in Storrs, CT, and have the most NCAA Women's Basketball Championships EVER, which ties them with John Wooden's (Purdue Alum) UCLA program for most title ever!
The men's program won a couple too.
For a state as large as the nation of Bolivia (not large) UCONN has 6 campuses. (Non Useful.)
Academically, UCONN's rankings are impressive, see below:

Just as a reminder, #1 is still considered the best ranking. (At least outside of Connecticut.)

According to UCONN's wikipedia web site, the College's Fight song: The Husker-Do is one of the most popular fight songs in the country. I made up the name of the fight song, but they made up that sh*t about it's popularity. Never heard it in my life, and I know all the words to "All Hail Southern South Dakota Canine College!"

(10 Seed) University of Maryland

I have to start this commentary with a personal disclaimer that I love UMD-College Park.
I first visited the campus as a High School Junior who had made it (OMG! I know right!?) to the National History Day Finals Competition.
For those of you unfamiliar with the NHD it is a history version of Science Fair. For those of you unfamiliar with me I rocked the sh*t of this thing. But in the meantime, loved the campus, loved the 15 minute Metro ride to DC, awesome experience even if I did have to share a dorm room with Steve Weintraught. Lovely dude, personal hygiene, well - if you are reading this Steve, much love and I hope you've been introduced to body-wash.
I then revisited the College Park area as a Doctoral Student (stop it, I'm not showing off, just relating my personal biography) when I spent time doing research at the National Archives, located nearby. I did not have to share a room with the aforementioned Mr. Weintraught, but I still in between visits to some local college watering holes in CP, I got to ride into DC and take another look around one of my favorite cities.
Oh, and yeah I petted the god damn copper turtle.

(2 Seed) University of Alabama

I am running out of time and beer, so I will just keep it simple:

I have never EVER, been to Alabama, I have no interest in doing so and, before I get into too much trouble with Mrs. Boulton, I'd just like to say - stick to football - March Madness is MINE!!! But Jen married a midwesterner (albeit a Spartan who insists on constantly sharing picture of his toes with us), but all the same I must say, you are a wonderful, graceful person Jen Boulton but: STILL TO HELL WITH ALABAMA!

(Are you joining the pool this year?)

(15 Seed) Iona College

Iona College, probably (I will go back and count, I still have 32 schools to document in the next 15 hours) is at least the 434rd Catholic school in the tournament this year.
Their motto: "Fight the good fight."

Beautiful, simple, and just ... fine.
Does it not knock you off your feet? Maybe not. But is is certainly better than stupid stuff like: "Live, die, and be merry." (Indiana University) or, "Tomorrow we crucify our Lord, 3 days later we will pretend he is alive." (Notre Dame).

Are you familiar with Don McLean? He's an Iona Alumn. What a great way to end today's edition of EAT SHIY. Have a listen and I will talk to you tomorrow. Don't forget to put in your brackets and get those entries in! (Info here: https://fantasy.espn.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2021/en/group?groupID=3756808)

Tuesday, March 16, 2021

It's not just hoops, it is History! (Volume 1)

As us March Madness fans eagerly await the start of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament, hundreds of sportswriters, pundits, and members of the Trump family are busy offering their predictions and writing up their analyses of how the competition may play out.

As your humble poolmaster, I am undertaking a different task. You will find plenty of info out there about who plays a 1-3-1 zone or which backcourt will offer the biggest challenge to blah-blah-blah.

No! We all know, friends, that the team with the most points will most likely win their first game, and then their second and so on, until one team has scored more points than all of its opponents and will be crowned the champion.

So, I believe you are better served not by me analyzing basketball statistics, but enabling you to learn about each team, each College, and the HISTORY of each institution participating in this year's tournament.

Now, I do not have the time or the beer supply to go through a detailed recounting of the political, social, and athletic past of 72 university, but I DO have the time and, I believe enough beer, to give you some basic historical facts about each school which, will very well enable you to submit the winning entry.

Thusly, I introduce to you the first of a 4 part series, known magnificently as Coach George's

for the 2021 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

Let us begin today, with all the info you need to know about the 8 teams participating in Thursday night's "First Four" and the additional teams competing in the West Region.

The "First Four"

(16 seed) Norfolk State University

College Motto: “We See the Future in You”

(Translation: your tuition dollars will enjoy a happy home in our numerous administrators’ retirement accounts.)

NSU is an Historically Black College located in, you guessed it, Norfolk, Virginia.
It was located on a former golf course that the College purchased for $1 back in the 1950s.
According to Zillow.com, the property of the land has increased dramatically in the last 70 years.
In the 2012 NCAA Tournament NSU, the #15 seed, defeated #2 seeded Missouri, only the second time in Tourney history that a 15 defeated a 2.
Nickname: Steal Toed Sloths

(16 seed) Appalachian State

College motto: “To Be, Rather than to Seem”

Cheap rip off of “I think therefore I am”

Location: Boone, NC
Was named the National Bee Campus USA – 2018
Nickname: Kissing Cousins (or Bees, whichever comes first.)

(11 Seed) Wichita State

Originally founded as the “Young Ladies College”

The university is planning to change the name back to YLC in 2022

Location: Wichita, Kansas
Satellite Campuses

WSU Old Town A
WSU Old Town B
WSU Old Town C

If you ever wondered how may "Old Towns" one town can have, the answer, apparently, is 3.

WSU (or YLC as it will be known again soon) hasn’t won sh*t collegiately besides an impressive 6 bowling championships.
The moniker Shockers is in reference to the concept of “shocking” which was a fun, but obviously dumb, local reference to the harvesting of wheat.

The "Cornhuskers" (later adopted by the University of Nebraska) was considered too risqué.

Clearly the most important graduate of this school is solo steel pannist – Chris Arpad

Here he is playing a lovely cover tune to a packed stadium:
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xhzefx

Obviously the new College name next year: The Young Ladies College Pannists.

(11 Seed) Drake

Drake is a private school in Des Moines, Iowa.
The College Motto = “Truth" which is obviously made up.
The College boasts an Administrative staff of 362, and a student population of 3,164.

If you are scoring at home (or by yourself) that equals 1 administrator for every 8.75 students).

Originally Drake U athletes were known as the Ducklings and Ganders.

That is apparently, until Coach John Griffith started to bring his bulldogs to campus.

Current School nickname: Coach’s Dogs are Assholes
Most famous alum: One of the best authors ever – LISTEN TO ME, READ HIS BOOKS!!! … Bill Bryson

(11 Seed) Michigan State

Location: East Lansing, Michigan
School Moto: Spartans Will

That is it. No ellipses. Nothing further. Will what? With whom? With what? When? Where? Be more precise!

According to the MSU Wikipedia page:

U.S. News & World Report ranks its graduate programs the best in the U.S. in elementary teacher's education, secondary teacher's education, industrial and organizational psychology, rehabilitation counseling, African history (tied), supply chain logistics and nuclear physics in 2019. MSU pioneered the studies of packaging, hospitality business, supply chain management, and communication sciences. Michigan State is a member of the Association of American Universities and is classified among "R1: Doctoral Universities – Very high research activity". The university's campus houses the National Superconducting Cyclotron Laboratory, the W. J. Beal Botanical Garden, the Abrams Planetarium, the Wharton Center for Performing Arts, the Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum, the Facility for Rare Isotope Beams, and the country's largest residence hall system.

At the moment MSU is in need of a new Wikipedia content editor, specifically one WITHOUT a stick up their ass. Please enquire with->in.

Potential job applicants with knowledge of only COMMON Isotope Beams need not apply.

Nickname: “SPARTY!” Which appears on my FB timeline at least 30 times a year along with a picture of Dan Boulton’s toes and TV, as he’s watching his team lose, yet again. Love ya D!

(11 Seed) UCLA

The University of California Los Angeles is the alma mater to Victor Reklaitis and was graced with the presence of the greatest College Basketball Coach in world history. My kid brother is awesome, but I’m speaking of Coach John Wooden, obvs.
They also hired Steve Alford for a couple years for some reason.
That’s all. Oh, their motto is “Let there be light.”

Los Angeles averages 12 hours of daylight during the year and an 83 degree average year round temperature.
How’d you come up with that clever slogan?!

Go light yourself UCLA.
Nickname: The Brown Shoes

(16 seed) Mount St. Mary’s

Location: Emmitsburg, Maryland
Motto: Spes Nostra (which is Latin for “Special Nostrils”)
MSMU’S most notable contribution to Academia occurred in 2016 when the University’s president declared: "...you think of the students as cuddly bunnies, but you can’t. You just have to drown the bunnies … put a Glock to their heads."
MSMU is a Catholic university and also the home to a national Catholic pilgrimage site.
All MSMU students study in the Catholic intellectual tradition of liberal arts, theology and ethics.
Around 70% of the student body is Catholic.
THE PRESIDENT OF THIS CATHOLIC COLLEGE SUGGESTED THAT SOMEONE SHOULD PUT A GUN TO THE HEADS OF ITS STUDENTS.
Nickname: The Glocks

(16 seed) Texas Southern

Texas Southern University is an HBCU in Houston
College Motto: Excellence in Achievement

(Which they had to settle on when their first choice, “The Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence,” was already taken.

The school was founded when the University of Texas refused to allow an African-American student named Heman Sweatt to attend their law school and thus the state of Texas was forced to establish the Texas State University for Negroes in 1947. Fortunately, this decision once and for all resolved Texas’ long-standing history of racism and segregation.
In 2019, the school completed construction of a 6-story, 137,000 square-foot library costing roughly $43 million dollars! Onward to excellence in achievement indeed! Well done!!!
Nickname: The Really, REALLY, Smart Tigers (This is one of the few times where I am NOT being sarcastic: support your college and local libraries.)

The West Region

(1 Seed) Gonzaga

Gonzaga is a private Catholic school in Spokane, Washington.
The College Motto in Latin:

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam (Sed Deus est vere questus impatiens F’n exspectabat in National risus f*ks propter.)

Translation: “For the Greater Glory of God (But God is getting really f’n impatient waiting on a National Championship for f*ks’ sake!”)

In 2018 a report uncovered the fact that for decades a Jesuit home on Gonzaga’s campus had become a haven and retirement home for Catholic priests with histories of sexual predation and abuse.

Admitting their mistake and taking full responsibility for their actions in covering up this abuse, the home was closed down and the degenerate priests were sent to Mount St. Mary’s. (see above)

According to the US News and World Report, Gonzaga is ranked 79th among America’s universities. (There are 80 universities in America.)
Nickname: Abusive Priests (or more popularly, The Zags).

(8 Seed) Oklahoma

Nothing to do with the University, but the state of Oklahoma is home to one of the best bands in recent history, The Kings of Leon.
Nickname: “Sooners,” because the much sought-after white trash moniker of “Hoosiers” was already taken.
The University was originally founded as a school of orthodontics and podiatry, but, as it soon became apparent that none of the students owned shoes or had teeth, it was soon transformed into the Jesus College of Carpentry. In 2019 it officially changed its name to the University of Oklahoma.
The University of Oklahoma is home to the nation’s largest collection of untied shoelaces.
Ed Harris, a wonderful actor, is an alumnus.

(9 Seed) Missouri

Coached by my college classmate and former Purdue Basketball star, Cuonzo Martin.

We were never actually IN class together, but I did all of his homework, so that counts.

School motto: “Let the welfare of the people be the supreme law.”

(The whole state of Missouri is still working on defining which people, are beneficiaries of the law, or what welfare means, or even what they think “law” is.) But be fair, give them time. Mizzou was only founded in 1839 and are just getting by on a $1.7 billion endowment.

Missouri has accomplished f*ck all athletically except for the amazing Championship run by the Ladies Shooting Team in 1934. (Actual photo from Wikipedia.)

(5 Seed) Creighton

Oh boy, you’ve all read the Greg McDermott news, you know the Creighton Head Basketball Coach and plantations and such…? Yikes.
Creighton is in lovely Omaha, Nebraska.
Their college motto is Universitas Creightoniana.

Linguistic scholars for centuries have been trying to decipher that, but so far the best guess is

“Who Gives a Sh*t?”

According to the CU web site there are 68,470 living alumni around the world.

Just leaving this memorable fact here. If you need further information check out the school motto.

One memorable alum is Jeremy Nordquist.

“Who?” you ask? I refer you to the school motto.

Actually, one seriously notable alum is astronaut Mike Anderson who perished in the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster.

(12 Seed) University of California – Santa Barbara

I have thus far been flippant, disrespectful, and downright abusive about the previous schools.
Let me use UCSB as a pallet cleanser, as it were.
As a practicing academic and someone, who until recently, got the chance to often visit numerous college campuses – I honestly love them all – but THIS IS THE ONE!!
Give me just a second to gush: weather=perfect, campus=beautiful, but not just that – wonderfully laid out; and when you put it all together it just makes everyone…happy! Listen, I’ve attended or taught at schools in the Northeast and the Midwest, and there’s like a four-month period every year (January-April) where you just slog through slightly nice spring-like weather, which are then suddenly followed by horrific arctic periods. I’ve also visited schools in warmer climates, and in spite of all that, I will always give my love to Purdue, Wake and Northeastern …. And I have plenty of other campuses I am fond of. But, Santa Barbara is my nirvana.
And then the nickname…the Gauchos! I don’t even know what that means (my Latin is better than my Spanish) but check out the logo:
That is the coolest, craziest dude in a killer black hat encircled by Worther’s Original Candies that I have ever seen.
Bravo! Wait, no I mean, Viva los vaqueros con caramelos en sus sombreros!!!

(4 Seed) Virginia

My beloved Sister-in-Law went to UVA.
My beloved Boilermakers were deprived of a trip to the Final Four because of UVA.
For their birthdays, a month later, my brother and sister-in-law sent my twins matching UVA National Championship T-shirts.
One year I may get over it. We have yet to reach that year.
Oh and if anyone is looking for a discount on 2019 UVA National Champs T-Shirts lemme know.
I still love you Vic and Christine.

(13 Seed) Ohio

Location … unknown … somewhere near Sumatra
Player to watch: Jason Preston. A cool young kid, with a great afro, who is one of those players who makes basketball fun for all us viewers.
Props to my buddy and fellow March Madness fanatic Paul, who encouraged me to tune in to the MAC tournament.
Sadly my text response to him was: “Will be tuning in to watch your floppy haired favorite this evening.”

OOOF

****BREAK****

I needn’t have shared that poorly worded text with you all, but I thought it an appropriate example of how A) Excited I get for this Tournament and B) That I may (and probably will) struggle to remain in control of my emotions and therefore, my language. Apologies in advance, but this is a PG-13 event. Let’s move on.

(6 Seed) USC

First, notable alumni: OJ Simpson, other killers
Second, notice how I shit on UCLA? Same with USC. Move to Santa Barbara people! Fewer Steve Alfords there.
School Motto: “Let whoever earns the palm bear it.”

No, seriously that is it.
No, I didn’t make that one up.

Yeah, I know I’ve been a little loose with the facts previously, but THAT IS THEIR SCHOOL MOTTO.
Obviously dear reader, if you are still with me, you have questions…

What palm?
How do you earn it?
How does one bear it?
And to whence do they bear this palm?
And who shall witness this magnificent bearing of the palm?
When one bears said palm to the specified destination, what then?

Does one bury the palm near the grave of Hunter S. Thompson?
Does one board a ship to deliver the palm to a special island?
Does one then wrap delicate and delicious meats within the palm and then cook it over an open fire on the beach.

But then….

Which meats or seafoods should be used?
What spices or special oils need be applied?
In what manner or by what specifications should this palm-focused meal be prepared?
Is the meal to be consumed by the palm-bearer or served as an offering to his compatriots?
What beer and/or wine best pairs with this dish?
Are buffalo wings or nachos the best appetizer for this meal?

Anyway, USC, you have created more questions than answers with your moto.
Obviously we all know their mascot: The Palms (or also sometimes “The Palm Wrapped-Dinners)
Also, Will Ferrell is a USC alum and my best friend. You’ve probably seen a lot of his SNL sketches but this bit from the Kennedy Center is the schnitzel. (Not sure I got that last adjective correctly. If only Snoop was around to help me with my spell-check.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2ObE5_fg8k

(3 Seed) Kansas

Quick, name one state worse than Missouri, Nebraska and Oklahoma. You did it!
University motto: “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.”

I cant…
I don’t know what to do with this!?
But DID NOT MOSES talk to the burning bush!!!!!
THAT is your school motto?

Nickname: Burning Bush
Did you know KU has three Noble Prize Winners? (Respect)
Bob Dole, yes that Bob Dole, is an alum:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGvTzIOSFyc

(14 Seed) Eastern Washington

This wonderful school is located in North … South … West … oh yeah Eastern Washington in the lovely campus town of Cheney, named after a former Vice President of the United States that shot a dude in the face.

But it was all fine. No seriously, don’t get upset, just make sure you own millions in Middle Eastern oil companies and are willing to send American troops to fight and die for that, what’s a little blam-blam in the face among friends right?

Sorry, not EWU’s fault necessarily, and the event did not occur in the state of Washington, but I'm guessing the Bush and Cheney folks sent some money.
Nickname: good news, as recently as 1973 EWU changed their mascot from the “Savages” to the “Eagles.” The folks in Cheney made sure to protect the Eagles in their community.

(7 Seed) Oregon

Nike
Animal House
End of story

(10 Seed) VCU

Location: Richmond, VA
Motto: “Make it Real” (I wish I was making that up.)
Academic Staff (per Wikipedia: 3,279)
Administrative Staff (same source: 11,252)
29,000 students

Small point: more people filing paperwork and making sloppy joes are on campus than the folks teaching these students who are each paying, on average, $20k a year at a school that has a $2billion endowment.

VCU has had some rosy Tournament appearances, especially under former Coach Shaka Smart -now in charge of the 3 seeded Texas Longhorns.
One of my favorite all-time SNL performers, Jay Pharoah is also an alum.

(2 Seed) Iowa

Mascot: Herky the Hawk (no I did not make that up.)
Great 1st quarter tradition during home football games where all those in the stadium (away and home fans/players) wave to the children’s’ hospital overlooking the field.
If you don’t know who Luke Garza is by now…oof.
All the same, Iowa will not make it beyond the Sweet 16.

(16 Seed) Grand Canyon

Great place for a family vacation.
Oh right, did you know there is a Grand Canyon (kind of university type place)?
Motto: “Find Your Purpose”

(if not, just give us your money)

Location: Phoenix, AZ
Enrollment: 20k on campus, 70k online
The only “for-profit” program in the tournament.
Do you guys remember Dan Marjele? Sharpshooter for the Phoenix Suns back in the day?

He Coached the team for 7 years and then the school sh*t-canned him without any severance.

ALL RIGHT! More information coming your way tomorrow!

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Welcome friends!

Many of you are long-time participants in this contest; some of you joined us last year (2019 that is, we are pretending 2020 never happened – any year without an NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is stricken from world history); and we are delighted to have all the newcomers!

The rules of this competition come down to 4 important points:

Go to our ESPN website here (you will need to create a new login if you don’t already have one):

https://fantasy.espn.com/tournament-challenge-bracket/2021/en/group?redirect=tcmen%3A%2F%2Fx-callback-

url%2FshowGroup%3FgroupID%3D3756808&ex_cid=tcmen2021_email&groupID=3756808&groupp=aGl0bWVuMjE%3D&i

nviteuser=e0Y3QkMyRTA3LTM0OTAtNDZCNC1CNDQ0LURBQzM0RDdENERDNH0%3D&invitesource=email

Group: Hitmen OTP

Password: hitmen21

1. Submit your bracket. (In addition to your personal information please include which Hitmen player you are supporting .

2. Pick whomever you want, how many times you want AS LONG AS YOU ARE PUTTING $20 DOWN FOR EACH BRACKET.

Brackets must be submitted by 4 PM on Thursday, March 18.
Payment for bracket entry is due at the time of submission. ($20 a piece/10

ENTRY MAXIMUM PER PERSON, feel free to submit on behalf of other family

members, and you are very much welcome to donate extra!)
Payments can be made thusly:
- PayPal: greklaitis@brookdalecc.edu
- Venmo: George-Reklaitis
Sorry, once the hoops start all unpaid brackets will be deleted.
SORRY, ONCE THE HOOPS START ALL UNPAID BRACKETS WILL BE DELETED.
SORRY...ok, you get it right?
SORRY...not sorry...

3. BRACKET AND PAYMENT FOR EACH IS DUE BY 4PM ON THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2021!

The NJ Hitmen are fundraising for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to play at the Cooperstown Tournament in New York next summer so we appreciate all of your support.

Please continue to visit this site:

http://otp09.blogspot.com/

for witty commentary and updates on the Tournament.

Again, welcome and thanks for joining the HOTP – (yeah, you know me).

Your Friend and Poolmaster, - Coach George

PLEASE SHARE!!!!

General Tournament Schedule Below:

Selection Sunday — 6 p.m. ET March 14 on CBS
First Four — 4 p.m. start on Thursday, March 18
First round — 12 p.m. start on Friday, March 19, and Saturday, March 20
Second round — 12 p.m. start on Sunday, March 21, and Monday, March 22
Sweet 16 — 2 p.m. start on Saturday, March 27, and 1 p.m. start on Sunday, March 28
Elite Eight — 7 p.m. start on Monday, March 29, and 6 p.m. start on Tuesday, March 30
Final Four — 5 p.m. start on Saturday, April 3
NCAA championship game — 9 p.m. Monday, April 5

Monday, March 18, 2019

The 2019 Bracket Prognostication Special

If you’re just checking out this site for the first time, look below this paragraph to complete your bracket and please send your entry fee (one bracket per person, but multiple persons please!) to the following e-money sites or, if you prefer, to the Coaches who sent you here. Again, half the proceeds go to the NJ Hitmen 9U baseball team, but the other half is ALL YOURS!! (if you predict correctly).

Follow this link:

ESPN Tournament Challenge Group, Online Tournament Pool, 2019.

[If you've never created an ESPN account you will need to setup a user ID and password. Then join our group.]

Paypal: greklaitis@brookdalecc.edu

Venmo: George-Reklaitis

As far as making your picks? I’m here for ya.

Don’t know a thing about Men’s College Hoops?
Not sure which upsets to pick, which #1 seed will falter, who the “Loyola of Chicago of 2018” will be the “Loyola of Chicago of 2019”?
Don’t have a clue who the hell Loyola of Chicago is?

Dr. George is here to help with my 2019, Bracket Prognostication Special.

10 helpful facts to help you narrow the field of 64 (we don’t count the play-in games) to 1.

1. Who the hell is Loyola of Chicago?

a. No one you should worry about this year, but last year Janine Reklaitis’ alma mater (yes, THAT Janine Reklaitis), a tiny catholic school seeded #11, made it all the way to the Final Four. The lesson here? Don’t mess with Jesus. Especially since another catholic school won the whole shebang.

2. Should I pick Duke to win it all?

a. Yes. So will everyone else. And Duke will win. But you won’t. Because you failed to pick the clever upsets earlier in the tournament so your “Champion” which happens to be everyone else’s “Champion” will only serve to lump you in with all the other glory chasers.

3. So how can I be different?

a. Try wearing your pants inside-out. Comb your hair in a circular pattern. While eating lunch with your co-workers, don’t use your hands. You will stand out instantly! As far as tourney picks are concerned? Don’t stray from the #1 seeds, they inevitably succeed (unless you’re 2018 Virginia … whoops). But look for a sneaky #3, an underrated #7 or … a team from Michigan or North Carolina. Syracuse, in spite of annual distractions and poor conference play in a stacked ACC, always comes to life in March. Michigan and Michigan State seem destined for a birth in the second weekend, if not the Final Four. And Purdue, regardless of what Seth Davis of CBS, or any of its devoted Alumni may say, will NOT, repeat NOT make it to Minneapolis. A surer bet there is not. And, yes, I will still pick them to go to the Final Four.

4. Any upset tips?

a. It has now become cliché, but a 12 seed will always prevail. Easy choices here are Oregon (PAC-12 tourney champs) over Wisconsin, and the Murray State Racers (featuring soon-to-be top NBA draft pick Ja Morant) over Marquette (losers of 5 out of their last 6 games.)

5. Which top teams should I avoid?

a. Kansas is always a team that gets highly seeded. This year, you may notice, the Jayhawks only got a 4 seed. They might squeak by my other alma mater, Northeastern University, but my advice is to stay away. Florida, Maryland, and Villanova, former champs and perennial tough teams, will most likely flame out early this year.

6. So which non-#1 seeded teams should I consider moving along in my bracket?

a. Kansas State is not a sleeper, but the Bruce Weber-coached team has the potential to unseat the Hoos of Virginia. Cincinnati and Houston, the two top teams out of the American Athletic Conference, are very talented and very well coached. Both teams are perfectly positioned to pick off Tennessee and Kentucky respectively, teams that are packed with superstars but prone to lapses in concentration (kind of like me).

7. But not Purdue? They’re a 3 seed and co-Big Ten Champs? Surely they’ve got a shot, right?

a. NO, NO, NO! Don’t get me wrong, I will be cheering, praying, gasping, and wheezing, but no, no chance. It is a great squad for sure, coached by one of the all-time greats (I’m not exaggerating here either), but after a flashy victory over Old Dominion on Thursday night, and a way-too-close win against the Villanova/St. Mary’s survivor Saturday, Purdue is doomed against the long, athletic, and very strong defensive squads of either Cincinnati or Tennessee. If you’re picking Purdue to advance beyond next weekend, first pick Colgate and Iowa to prevail, ‘cus that’s the only way it’s happening. Boiler Up!

8. I don’t know any of the teams in the tournament and my alma mater (rhymes with “Indiana”) didn’t make it, who should I root for?

a. The Vermont Catamounts are a great squad featuring three brothers and a superstar named Lamb which is perfect for the Lenten crowd. The Belmont Bruins are a scrappy group from the Ohio Valley Conference starring an amazing dude named Dylan Windler who drops 40 points a game on the regular and will soon be suiting up for an NBA team near you. The UCF Knights feature an incredible Senegalese center, checking in at 7 feet 6 inches with the delightful name of Tacko Fall. The Knights are poised to inevitably fall to Duke in the second round, so catch him while you can.

9. I hate Duke, I loathe Duke, I refuse to pick Duke. What other 1 seed has a chance?

a. Gonzaga. But they will lose to Duke.

10. Alright smarty pants what’s your Elite Eight?

a. “Smarty pants?” Why thank you. I, too, think my trousers are quite sharp. I’m forecasting that Duke will prevail over Louisville in the East, Michigan over Syracuse in the West, Purdue over Kansas State in the South, and North Carolina over Kentucky in the Midwest. Duke will inevitably triumph over UNC on April 8.

And there, my friends, is my best advice to you all. Since I never win these things, make sure you pick differently than I and you have a great shot at the whole enchilada (and the prize money too).

Sunday, March 17, 2019

The OTP 2019

If you've made it this far, thank you!
Here's the nitty gritty. We will be using the ESPN Tournament Challenge website to manage our bracket.

Please visit the ESPN website and join our group by clicking here.
Our group name is "Online Tournament Pool 19"
Our group password is "hitmen"

The simple rules to our contest are as follow:

Only one bracket per individual, but all family members are welcome to submit their own brackets.
Brackets AND $10 entry free per bracket are due by Noon, Thursday March 21.
Money can be submitted via the following electronic methods:

PayPal: greklaitis@brookdalecc.edu
Venmo: George-Reklaitis

The contestant with the most points at the ended of the competition will receive 50% of collected entry fees. The remaining funds will go directly to the NJ Hitmen Travel Baseball team to support the purchase of team equipment and as entry fees for upcoming tournaments.

Join Us! Please send any questions to docrek@gmail.com.

-George

Monday, March 12, 2018

OTP 2018: Bust a Bracket

BUST IT...

This here’s a note for all the playas
Basketball junkies and soothsayers
Love watching hoops they call March Madness?
But your feeling left out, surrounded by sadness
Okay yo, no team in the Show?
You’re thinking that the Tourney’s gonna blow?
There’s a game of prognostication, for you and me
You got this my friend, join the OTP.

You’re on a mission and your wishin
Someone could cure your lonely condition
Looking for pools in all the wrong places
All you get are shitty web sites with no friendly faces
From frustration first inclination
Is to forget about hoops and turn to masturbation
But there’s a tourney dream for you, you’ll see
Put down the KY and join the OTP.

The games are showin, so you’re goin
But in your veins there’s no excitement flowin
Don’t care about Charleston versus TCU?
Here’s how the OTP will work for you.
Fill out a bracket, pick those games
And now the juice is coursing through your veins
Can the Catamounts take out the Boilers?
NOW you care, you’re looking for spoilers.
Will a 14 seed take out the number 3?
C’mon and make your picks, join the OTP.

What’s with this bracket, think you can’t hack it?
Got no knowledge, think it’s a racket?
ESPNers are fakey, knowledge is shaky
Middle-aged hoops nuts no smarter than babies
Got no knowledge but you got a five?
Then you’ve got a fine chance to stay alive.
That team’s in yellow, you say “Hello!
I’m picking YOU to advance fine fellows”
You’ve never even heard of Middle Tennessee
But now they’re your boys in the OTP.

So now you’re ready, feeling steady
Gonna win all the money and confetti
Wanna fill out a bracket, you wanna go?
Just check out the web site down below.
Selection Sunday’s hoppin, brackets poppin
The OTP is your one-stop-shoppin
Thursday at noon is when you make your play
And make sure that fiver is on its way.
Scores and updates is what you’ll see
Every single day on the OTP.

ONLINE TOURNAMENT POOL
https://docrek.wixsite.com/otp17

*** PLEASE NOTE ***

Only last year’s web site and tournament bracket is currently available.

***

The updated web site will be active by Wednesday night, March 14.

Picks will be due Thursday by noon. Only 5 bucks to participate.