The 15th Annual Online Tournament Pool!

Why Hello,

That time of year has arrived, when we all travel to a magic place. Where the moon doth rise with a dragon’s face. When a man is a man, and the children dance to the pipes of pan. The Online Tournament Pool is upon us! And you my friends, won’t you take my hand? Let us all visit, this mystic land. Where the dewdrops cry, and the cats meow.  Excited to get started? Let me show you how.

With much thanks to Spinal Tap, I invite you all to join in the annual fun of picking the winners in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament with me, your friend George. For the uninitiated, this is the traditional invite I send out to all prospective and former OTP participants, in which I wax poetic, describe the OTP and its rules, and attempt a string of witticisms which normally fail but at least offer me some amusement, so what the hell. If you care to give my endeavor at humor a try, read on! If you have long since tired of my weary quips or have quickly gotten tired of them after only a few paragraphs, simply point your browsers to the URL below where you can get all the info you need in a much more straightforward (if a tad boring) manner.

Still with me? Excellent. This year I’m relying on Sam Halpern and his life lessons to help me introduce the OTP. Sam is the Dad featured in the book, “Sh*t My Dad Says.”

SH on Kindergarten: “You thought it was hard? If kindergarten is busting your ass, I got some bad news for you about the rest of life.”

Even IF kindergarten is/was hard for you, entering the OTP is super easy. Just visit the web site (http://docgeorge.net/OTP), click on the “Brackets” icon, randomly or studiously pick the winners of all 64 games (play-in games are not included) of the Men’s Tournament, and click submit. Then use PayPal or the US Mail to send your $5 entry fee to me and you are done! Simple right? If this does still seem too challenging, Emily Reklaitis, an actual kindergartner, can come over and show you how. (She’ll even demonstrate how to watch the games on her iPod.)

SH on Poverty: “When I had an earache, my mom would p**s in my ear to kill the pain,” my dad once told me in an effort to illustrate the depths of his family’s poverty. “That just seems weird, Dad. Not something poor people do.” “Yeah, maybe that was a bad example,” he said after thinking about it for a moment.

No need to plead poverty, the OTP entry fee is just a scant $5 which is not due with your entry, but needs to reach me by March 21. Once again you can pay electronically with PayPal by clicking on the icon on the OTP home page. After dismantling my former OTP web site, and convincing PayPal that I was no longer using their services for “illicit activities” they reinstated my account. So, until they get wise again, we’re using PayPal again! In the hopes of circumventing any interference from the Soviet-style Secret Police over at PayPal, your five dollar entrance fee will be submitted as a contribution to Bob’s Fun Run. I’m only doing this to make it easier for you to pay, but all of the monies collected will be sent to the champion promptly on April 3 (last year’s champ won $275!). However, you’re still welcome to pay the old fashioned way: via mail. Please use the following address:

141 Lexington Circle, Matawan, NJ 07747

SH on Parenting: “Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being mad, but me and you are good.”

There is NO good reason for you to be late with your submission, as the brackets will be available to you starting Sunday evening (3/11). You will have until Thursday (3/15) at noon to submit your picks. Do so on time and you and I will be good.

SH on Anxiety: “You worry too much. Eat some bacon…. What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”

Anxious that you don’t know enough about college basketball? Concerned that the diehard bball fans who join the OTP will have a leg up on you…?

SH on Bee Stings: “Okay, okay, calm down. Does your throat feel like it’s closing up?…Do you have to take a crap?…No, that don’t have anything to do with bee stings, it’s just you’re pacing back and forth, I thought maybe you had to go.”

You really should stay calm, as if there’s one thing 15 years of OTP’ing has shown us, is that basketball knowledge has no impact on success in the OTP. Even the so called “experts” who seed the teams based on which are the best and thus possess the best chance to win have, more often than not, been wrong. Consider this, since the tournament began in 1939, only once, in 2008, did the four top teams (the four #1 seeds) all make it to the Final Four. And on only six occasions, have the final two competitors been #1 seeds. In fact, on three occasions, no top teams made the semifinals. So the NCAA tourney, and then tangentially, the OTP, are crap shoots. So come on, roll the dice with us. There’s even a “QuickPick” option that allows you to have all the favorites picked for you. Still nervous? Have some bacon.

SH on Hangovers: “Coming down with something? Please. You reek of booze and BS. Don’t lie to a Kentuckian about drinking or horses, son.”

And SH on Lying: "The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

These two are to convince you that this is all on the up and up. No lying here. While my scoring system does differ than most (it’s based on total points missed not total points gained), I’m no Nazi and no liar either. Need assurances? How about two. First, our scoring system was designed by an actuary, how about that? ‘What’s an actuary?’ you ask? Why people who design complicated scoring systems of course. Second, C.T. Wood, a Kentuckian himself, has been an OTP participant from day one. So this competition has had Kentucky’s unofficial seal of approval for 15 years now. Convinced…? Thought so.

SH on Nice People: “Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don’t know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else.”

'Why do you do this?' You might ask warily. 'What do you get out of it? Maybe you should just take your pleasant OTP ass somewhere else.' Though we may have never met, I am committed to being nice to you by inviting you to the OTP 'cus darn it, it's fun! For 15 years this has been my favorite time of year and I want you to join along! Furthermore, I'm offering my insight and analysis of the tournament’s action following everyday’s games, and also providing you a forum to do the same. As an OTP competitor you are not only welcome to submit the picks but join the Tourney fun too. How’s that for being nice? My ass is staying right here.

SH on Nudity: “It’s my house. I’ll wear clothes when I want to wear clothes, and I’ll be naked when I want to be naked. The fact that your friends are coming over shortly is inconsequential to that—aka I don’t give a crap.”

And, you never have to leave the comfort of your own home to enjoy the OTP. The OTP web site (docgeorge.net/OTP) offers you everything you need right at your computer: updated scores, witty analysis, and the chance to view your picks and those of your competitors. So you wanna be naked? Go right ahead.

SH on LEGOS: “Listen, I don’t want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks like a pile of crap.”

Not so with our lovely OTP, she’s a real beauty. Take a look for yourself. You made it this far, here’s what you should do next.

1. Brackets will be available online (http://docgeorge.net/OTP) by Sunday night (3/11/12).
1. Last year’s bracket is available for your perusal and practice, although you currently cannot submit anything.
2. You MUST submit your brackets by Thursday (3/15) noon: 12 PM.
3. Only one entry per person please.
4. Your $5 entry fee is due the following Wednesday (3/21).

And finally, a few last parting thoughts courtesy of Mr. Halpern:

On Bloody Noses:

“What happened? Did somebody punch you in the face?!…The what? The air is dry? Do me a favor and tell people you got punched in the face.”

On Water Parks:

“You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.

On Toilet Training:

“You are four years old. You have to crap in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we’ll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you crapping in a toilet.”

On Packing Lunch:

“You have to pack a sandwich. It can’t just be cookies and bullshit…. No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron.

On Sharing:

“I’m sorry, but if your brother doesn’t want you to play with his crap, then you can’t play with it. It’s his crap. If he wants to be an a**h**e and not share, then that’s his right. You always have the right to be an a**h**e—you just shouldn’t use that right very often.”